


Lost Souls

by Blackwidow73



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:15:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27762115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackwidow73/pseuds/Blackwidow73
Summary: Princess Carolyn starts to finally see that things between her and Bojack are not going anywhere. As she tries to force things better, two men appear in her life to show her that maybe she doesn't have to settle. Very AU.
Relationships: BoJack Horseman/Princess Carolyn, Princess Carolyn/Judah Mannowdog, Princess Carolyn/Ralph Stilton
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Lost Souls

Chapter One: Doubt

Princess Carolyn felt like a giant, purple, felt balloon as she sat on the edge of the bed staring at her reflection in the mirror. Her sister Fluffy was getting married. She was her last sibling to get married, meaning she was the only unwed one in the family. 

“Jesus, I didn’t know Barney was going to be my date to this thing,” Bojack mentioned, stepping out of the bathroom as he adjusted his tie. 

“Just make sure you get out all of your comments now so that you can behave tonight,” she sternly told him. 

The feline huffed, standing and taking a few steps closer to the mirror. The hotel room carpet pattern looked more appealing than the dress Fluffy had picked for the bridesmaids. To her, this entire thing was ridiculous. She was thirty seven and a bridesmaid. Her sister was finally marrying her baby daddy. She was about to go and see all of her nieces and nephews with their families. The idea alone made her feel old and discarded. Sure, her siblings hadn’t quite accomplished what she had, but what difference did it make when she barely had anyone to share it with? 

“Oh God,” Bojack said, claiming her newly vacant seat. 

“What?” She asked, mindlessly messing with her puffy sleeve. 

“That look,” he dreadfully groaned.

Princess Carolyn glared at him over her shoulder. “What look?” 

“The ‘I want a baby look’ you always get at these things,” he explained before falling back to lay on the bed. 

Great, now I even look like the desperate old maid. “Forgive me for finding you desirable enough to raise a child with you,” she remarked. 

“I can try, but I can’t promise anything,” he quipped. 

Princess Carolyn rolled her eyes. It was about to be a long night. All she had to do was go up there and stand before everyone while her sister told everyone how much she loved her husband and how he loves her and then get trashed at a reception and hope to forget about the night. It would have been easier without alcoholic, has been Mister Ed at her side, but at least she looked like she was appealing to one man in this universe. At least she had a chance of not going back to her hotel room alone. 

“Thanks,” she mindlessly replied. 

“Anytime,” he replied. 

Sighing, she grabbed her purse and keys and started for the door. “Get up, we gotta go,” she announced. “I want to get this thing over with as soon as possible.” 

“Hey,” he started as he sat up from the bed. “You’re the one that insisted I come. You know your family doesn’t care for me.” 

“It’s not that they don’t like you. You just made some poorly chosen jokes at breakfast,” Princess Carolyn explained. 

Bojack went and checked himself one last time in the mirror. “Well sue me for trying to lighten the mood.” 

“It was my father’s funeral, Bojack. No one wanted to hear your stand up routine about how you’d prefer to die than to be a parent,” she told him, still bitter herself about the whole thing. 

“Can I ask you something?” He questioned as they exited the room. 

“I’m sure you’ll ask no matter what I say,” she murmured as they reached the elevator. 

“Why do you care so much? I mean, you barely ever see these people? It’s not like they all did any better than you. You’re the one living with me in Malibu. None of them were even able to get out of the state. You are the one that’s made a name for yourself.” 

It was a good question, good enough to make her hesitate before pressing the down button. Truth be told, it was in all of these little moments that she remembered why she was with him. It was his belief that she was good at what she did and that she was worth something in this world. 

He was right, she shouldn’t care all that much about what these people thought of her. These gatherings were the only times that she spoke to most of them. Now that her parents were both gone, she would be seeing less and less of them. In reality, what they thought meant nothing. It had no real bearing on her life. 

The problem though was that she did care. She wanted what they had. She could accomplish all she wanted and more in her career and she would still ache for the lives that most of them had. She wanted the spouse and the children and the house and the memories and the school plays and sports events. She wanted to be the mother that made costumes and packed lunches. She wanted to be the mother that she never really had… She was jealous. 

“I don’t know,” she admitted, defeated. 

The doors opened and she stepped in to turn around and face Bojack. “I guess that I just figured I would have more in my life by now, and I don’t like seeing that I’ve failed.” 

“You think you’ve failed?” Bojack asked, clearly surprised as he followed her. 

In these little moments of self doubt, she found it especially hard to keep her miscarriage secret. She already lost two babies, one with Cooper and one with Bojack. She has failed her own children. She failed in being enough to be the one to get Bojack Horseman to finally settle down with a woman. It made her feel like she wasn’t good enough and these events brought all of that to the surface. Last night she barely slept because of how it all ate at her, made her question every choice she ever made. 

As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t tell Bojack. She was scared that he would be relieved that it was difficult for her to become a mother. She didn’t want to see that hint of happiness in his eyes as she told him that she had lost the baby, just glad that he didn’t have to be tied down with that responsibility. It would have killed her to know that someone was happy about her loss. 

“Do you remember what I told you right before we started dating? The very reason that I didn’t want to date you in the first place?” She asked, trying her hardest to not get upset. 

“Should I?” He inquired. 

The doors opened to the lobby and she huffed as she rushed to leave. “Let’s just get to the car. It’ll give you a minute to think.” 

She could hear him struggling to keep up with her, but she didn’t care. How could he not remember? Was he really that blissfully unaware? She told him what she was afraid of happening, and it was all coming true. She had three years left to get the family that she wanted, and she wasn’t even close. She would most likely have to start all over with someone new, and that really wasn’t too much of an option at this point. It wasn’t like she could keep trying for a baby close to fifty. She had to get a start now so that she could at the very least be pregnant by the time she turned forty five. Even that was pushing it. 

“How the hell are you so fast?” He complained, out of breath as he followed her out the door. 

She got to the car and waited for him, ready to snap if he couldn’t give her some sort of answer. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” He nearly begged as he got into the passenger seat. 

She turned to him, as calmly as she could manage. “Back at your premier party for The Bojack Horseman Show, I told you everything I was afraid of. Bojack, I’m almost forty and I have nothing of what I wanted by now,” she explained. “You told me that I wouldn’t have to worry about that, that you wouldn’t string me along.” 

“Oh,” he replied, looking down to his lap. 

“Yeah.” 

Princess Carolyn sat in silence a moment. She wasn’t all too sure what it was that she wanted him to say, but felt hurt by his lack of response. 

“You think we should just stay back here and talk and then sneak into the reception?” He offered. 

“No,” she sighed. “But we need to talk tonight. You think you can stay sober enough for that?” She requested. 

“I mean, if not, we have all day tomorrow,” he told her. 

That meant no. She knew better than that. “Fine, we’ll talk tomorrow,” she said, starting the car. Really, the best that she could hope for was that he would behave tonight and then wake up early and sober enough to not be a wreck at the airport tomorrow. 

Oooooo

Princess Carolyn sat up at the front of the room with the rest of the wedding party watching as the rest of the guests moved about the dance floor and drank. She spotted her boyfriend up at the bar, probably on his eighth or ninth drink. It was easy for her to tell that he was starting to sway a little. Not badly, but enough for her to see from across the room. 

The one thing that she was happy about was that he did have some small conversations with her relatives, but very short. That meant that there was less of a chance of him offending all of them. Then again, most of them seemed to be avoiding him. Which was also good. 

“What’s got ya so down there, Miss Priss?” 

She looked up to her sister, Kitty. She was honestly the one that she was closest to growing up, the only one that she would randomly text when she had some free time. She was the only one that knew about both babies. As a matter of fact, she was the only one at all allowed to call her the nickname she earned when she went off to college. 

“You want your daughter to come stay with me for a bit while she’s in school, right?” Princess Carolyn asked. 

“Yeah, is that the problem?” She questioned, suddenly concerned. 

“No,” Princess Carolyn sighed. “It’s that you already have a daughter that’s eighteen. Your other daughters are in high school. My youngest nephew is thirteen.” 

This was not something that she wanted to discuss here, but if anyone could hear it, it was Kitty. Besides, it wasn’t like she was fooling anyone here. They were all avoiding her just like they avoided Bojack. 

“Everyone’s grown up without me and now if I do have kids, they’ll be the same age as everyone’s grandchildren. It makes me feel older than the rest of you,” she explained. 

Kitty wrapped her arm around her, softly laughing. “You’re jealous? Of us?” 

“Well I’m glad I could give you a good laugh,” she coldly replied. 

“Don’t be upset! It’s just that, well, this is all we have. You can still have kids! You have a career! You have the chance to have it all. You have nothing to be jealous of. Hell, I’m hoping my daughter ends up more like you and less like me!” She explained. 

It was something she needed to hear. She needed that reassurance that she wasn’t completely doing the wrong thing. On the other hand, none of them actually knew what it was like in Hollywood. 

“What if I can’t have kids though? Then what?” Princess Carolyn asked. 

“Then you can probably have one of Daphne’s when she comes to stay with you. I love the girl to death, but she’s bound to get knocked up early like the rest of us. She’s already had two scares. I won’t blame ya if she comes home with a baby,” Kitty explained, halfway joking. 

“I’ll try and keep her out of trouble,” She assured her sister. 

“And don’t worry, you’ll figure something out. You always do. You’ll be a great mother someday,” she told her. 

She wanted to believe her, but something within her would not allow such a thought. It was an image that she often tried to conjure, the birthdays, reading to her children at bedtime, family dinners. They would last seconds, only to be replaced with her receiving a call to come get Bojack, or finding out that she would have to pull an all nighter trying to save Bojack’s career after he did something stupid. 

“Thank you,” she said, forcing a smile. 

The most troubling part was the fact that she was never all that unhappy when she was busy with work. It made her wonder whether or not she truly wanted a family. Would a child turn into something that she would only tend to in her downtime from work? Or was her work her best distraction from the fact that she was missing out on something greater? Either answer made her want to drown her sorrows in the nearest bottle - a habit that she had started picking up on from Bojack. 

Looking back out to the floor, she saw Bojack smiling as he talked to the bride. He had gotten Fluffy to laugh about something. The scene itself appeared harmless, yet it didn’t sit well with her. She recognized that little flicker in his eyes. He was flirting, and Fluffy was falling for it. 

“Oh fish,” she hissed, getting up from her seat. 

“What is it?” Kitty asked, greatly concerned. 

“Don’t worry about it,” she muttered, focused on storming across the room as discreetly as possible. 

She froze halfway through the crowd, her heart dropping as soon as she saw her sister hand him a small piece of paper, one that he pocketed with a smile. The feline wasn’t sure if she was more mad or hurt. 

She swallowed her pride and continued forward. “Bojack!” She called, feigning joy. 

Bojack said something to Fluffy that sent her on her way and turned to face his girlfriend with a smile. “PC! What are you up to?” 

She could sense the discomfort in his voice. That tone he took whenever he was caught doing something. 

“I just wanted to dance with you, remind you that you are still here with me,” she begrudgingly warned him. 

“Oh,” he replied, nervously scratching at the back of his neck. He looked down to the ground with eyes full of guilt, the way a child would while getting scolded. 

“Yeah,” she replied, reaching out for his free hand, “Now come out here before anyone says anything.” 

He followed her out into the middle of everyone and began slow dancing with her. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. 

Sighing, she rested her head against his chest. He was always sorry, that was the problem. They slowly swayed to the music, how arm around her, and she never felt more lonely. If they were somewhere else, not in front of her entire family, she would have made a scene. She would have dragged him out into the car and yelled. Here though, she was stuck. She was just praying that no one else in the room knew, that she was the only one who knew how much of an idiot she was. 

Looking off to the side, she saw her cousins looking at her and smirking. They knew. They all knew. 

“I know,” she said, defeated. 

“So am I,” she thought to herself.


End file.
